Match Previews

Burnley vs Everton – Wednesday 26th December – 15:00KO

Do they know it's Christmas Time at all!??!?! WELL DO THEY!?

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I wasn’t 100% sure about writing this match preview. So nearly Christmas Day. Less than 24 hours since we were utterly demolished in front of the nation. And i’m personally in a bad way about Everton at the moment.

Ah well, I have a whiskey here as i’m writing and i’m on the verge of unleashing the massive tub of Twiglets. It’s not all bad.

Oh wait. Yes it is. What the actual fook is going on with us at the minute? And i’m allowed to say all this as it’s my preview so grin and deal with what you’re about to read.

Everton are still broken. Considerably still broken. We have results like that Spurs balls up all the time and it does my head in. Martinez had them. Koeman had them. Christ (Happy Birthday mate), Moyes had them and now Silva is having them. I will keep repeating this, I did not want Marco Silva managing Everton. I don’t get the fuss. Or the effort. Or the millions of pounds we will eventually have to pay arsing Watford for him. What has he done to be so well thought of by our Farhad and his wallet? I just don’t get it.

People have asked me why. And that Spurs match was every single of my fears about him coming to life in front of all of our eyes. But it’s just a one off ij. Is it? IS IT?! Didn’t the same thing happen to him when he was managing Hull…..oh wait…and when he managed Watford.

I DON’T GET WHY HE’S SO WELL THOUGHT OF.

Now ask me if I want him sacked….because do I bollocks. It’s insane to ask for a manager to be sacked this soon into a managerial reign. Utterly insane. But yet I have seen calls for his head. As much as I don’t rate the man, he has to be given a chance. We cannot be a club who just dismisses managers as soon as things go tits up. And if I have to be fair, this is the first massive balls up from him….sort of…if you forget horrific home draws with Huddersfield, Newcastle and Watford….

But it’s not all his fault. He can’t legislate for Jordan Pickford going all Tim Howard way too early. Just what is going on with him? I see people saying he’s arrogant and over confident. I don’t see this. I don’t know him, neither do these people. How can any one of us call him arrogant? What I do see is a keeper continually making fuck ups at important times. And i’ve been his biggest supporter. But what are we going to do? Drop him and play the Dutch man with invisible hands? Of course we aren’t. I don’t know the answer to the goalie problem. And i’m annoyed that it even is a thing at this stage as I thought we had the one. That thought has gone.

Anyway, Burnley away on boxing day. What could possibly go wrong….except the inevitable Chris Wood towering header over Michael Keane in the 93rd minute? Apart from that I mean.

Burnley are absolutely woeful. Make no mistake about it. But yet, I can’t see us getting a thing there as it’s exactly the sort of place we will crumble under the weight of excessive Turkey consumption.

Sean Dyche, with his voice like he’s eaten the intestines of 143 Henry the Hoovers, has been moaning about not having a pen for 18 years. So guess what else is guaranteed in here? Absolutely stinks of Seamus Coleman legging up Ashley Barnes just as the ball is rolling harmlessly out of play.

Let’s look at their team…

In nets, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Actual worse than ours. Joe Hart now is what we can expect Pickford to be like, well, in about 3 months time at this rate. Absolute toilet. Heaton is a million times better. We should buy him just to give Jordan the kick up the rectum he needs. Hart being in nets for them is about the only positive I can think of for this match.

At the back somehow Tarkowski got England games when Burnley stole our European place last season as we were pissing about with number 10’s all year. Ben Mee has an awful name but was apparently the reason Keane looked good there. I can now believe this. And full Backs are Charlie Taylor and someone else. No idea to be honest. Some proper English bloke i’m sure.

In the middle Steven Defour must be wondering how this happened to him. And Icelander plays for them too, and Aaron Lennon is still a soft spot for us. Probably. Jack Cork is alright.

Up top, Ashley Barnes is horrific, but scores, and scores some quite good goals. Chris Wood doesn’t seem to play all that often. Not sure why. Sam Vokes is Welsh and Matej Vydra was the scourge of Championship defences for a few clubs.

I have no idea how this squad is a consistent Premier League team as on paper it looks shite. But then ours looks great, but is actually shite. Football innit.

2-1 Burnley.

Any chance we can get Sammy Ets back for this one? Of course not. He’s an actual striker. We don’t do those. Until January. PLEASE SANTA BRANDS WE’VE ALL BEEN NICE….EVEN THE ONES WHO DID ALL THE BOOING.

Everton, whether you like it or not will line up with Pickford in nets. Purely because there’s no other option.

At the back. Seamus, and I don’t like saying it, is looking past it. We just need a right sided Digne instead. Although I can see Baines coming in for this game for some reason at left back. Centre backs. Makes no difference does it? Any combination is the same. I’ve seen some absolutely mad shouts for Jagielka to be played as some sort of sweeper. Which made me sick in my mouth. Where else would you be sick ij you idiot?

In midfield, PSG allegedly want Gana. If he goes we may as well give up. As limited as he is without him we are nothing. Please be back for this. Please. I don’t know how bad Gomes’ knock was from Sunday, but we all pray it wasn’t bad. Tom Davies played on Sunday too. Think I must have missed that though. Morgan Schniederlin. For god’s sake.

Up top, doesn’t take too much science to see what the problem is. It also doesn’t take too much to work out why Lookman wasn’t involved on Sunday either. Sad face emoji. We need a striker. We need the wide players to chip in with a lot more of everything. From looking so promising early in the season what exactly has happened? Have we just been sussed out?

And that’s your blues.

Well, the whiskey has nearly gone. I’ve had my rant. I hope the next preview is full of praise and joy. And that’s just if I get the Christmas presents I want. 3 points would be nice too.

To be clear here, as much as I’m not a fan of our current manager, or players for that matter. They have to be given time to get it right. How much time? I’ll let you lot decide that. I need another drink.

COYB!!!!

UTFT

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